The Peonies on My Desk

I saw them out of the corner of my eye as I rushed through the automatic doors at Trader Joes. They were still snug buds with no hint of their showy over-sized beauty. Those were peonies and I had to have them.

As a child it was my Memorial Day duty to clip flowers from the row of peonies in the side yard and make bouquets for soldiers, friends and relatives no longer on this earth. I thought it was a rather morbid task, but I did so enjoy selecting just the right vases and ribbons, so the task was filled with more pleasure than pain. Even though the ants crawled up and down my arms as I carried the armloads of blossoms to the kitchen sink, I tried to stay focused on the positive aspect of the job.

Those bouquets were always lovely and I felt a sense of accomplishment as we left each one in remembrance and appreciation of a life lived.

As an adult, I realize what a valuable lesson my peony exercise was for me. Work involves tasks we would like to avoid but we do not get to pick and choose what part of the job we will do. Beauty is often intermingled with loss and pain. Life is transitory in nature, and like the peony blossoms it buds, blooms, withers and leaves a legacy of its own design.

History Books, Humanity and Happy Mother's Day

"Mom, why aren't there more women in my history book?" Years ago my elementary school age daughter asked this deep and probing question. I gave her the simple one line comeback. "Because women gave birth to and raised all those boys in your history book."

Yes, it takes a village to raise a child, but mainly it takes a mother. The job comes with no sick leave, it's 24/7 for eighteen years and then sporatic calls to duty on short notice. Job security is guaranteed until death. Although I'm fairly certain my mother is still on the job from above. She's certainly still in my thoughts. I see her parenting skills in mine and I watch with pride as I see my daughter using those same skills with my grandchildren.

The history books are filled with but a few mothers, but every person in history arrived on earth via a woman, a mother. That is very important work in the big picture of life.


Go ahead and smell the roses; you've earned it.

Happy Mother's Day.

Peep-toes, Slingbacks and Stilettos Where Did You Go?

I cleaned my closet last weekend and I noticed a disturbing trend. My peep-toes, slingbacks and stilettos are being replaced by Crocs, flats and Dr. Scholls. As I looked at the line of shoes on the closet floor it was clear to me I am aging from the feet up.

My shoulder length hair is colored and as close to my natural blond as a dye can come.
Heaven knows I've spent hours exercising to keep the body humming along decade after decade, but the feet are simply demanding to be comfortable. It takes a lot of energy to walk on your tiptoes all day and shoes that hurt your feet make the task of walking to a co-worker's desk so unpleasant it is simply easier to send an email across the room.

At first I felt a sense of loss as the pile of high heels grew into a small mountain. There were the shoes I danced the night away under the desert stars. There were the three inch heels that allowed me to masquerade as a five foot ten conqueror of the career world. Then again, there was the pair that gave me a memorable blister and another pair I often carried more than I wore. Yep, time to listen to my feet.

For me, comfort is the new sexy.

Birth, A Beginning

Thirty-three years ago today I gave birth to my one and only daughter. When labor began I was working in the "field" like a country peasant. My maternity jeans (actually they were a hideous imitation of my favorite Levis) were rolled up to a very stylish Capri length and my feet were bare--and muddy.

Six weeks earlier we moved into a new home in Naperville, Illinois. The builder included sod in the front yard, but my then husband was not a skilled negotiator, and I was too pregnant to care, so we accepted the back yard bare.

My two year old had a great time playing in the "big dirtbox" with his toy cars and trucks, his dad had a new job and was never home, but I was determined to turn that backyard dust bowl into the Garden of Eden before spring showers turned it into a giant mud pie.

Money was tight and sod was out of the question. The builder gave me the name of a man who would seed it for a few hundred dollars, after that I was on my own. I thought spring showers would come to my aid, but it was an unusually dry spring. I invested in hoses and oscillating sprinklers to fill in where Mother Nature let me down.

Sunrise found me positioning the sprinklers in preparation for the traveling shower show I ran throughout the day. The sprinklers had to be moved at regular intervals and the yard was large. I watched for puddling (too much water) and dry spots (no bare spots allowed) and quickly remedied both. Soon tiny green sprouts greeted my seeking eyes.

The lawn, yes I could call it that now, was bursting forth with new life, and so was I. On April 14, 1976 I was in the yard positioning sprinklers, watching my two year old marvel at the yet uncut new grass when the first pang of labor rose up through my body. I washed the mud off my feet, showered and six hours later gave birth to my daughter. It was a happy birth day; and today I wish you a happy birthday.

The Jewel of the Universe

One of my morning yoga meditations refers to "A Kind Heart" as the Jewel of the Universe. I've listened to the CD many times, but this morning the words reverberated through my mind as an absolute truism. In trying times kindness goes a long way.


When my son was in Iraq he said what he and his fellow Marines looked forward to most were letters from home. Home was not necessarily correspondence from friends and family. Often a letter was simply address "Soldier" or "To a Marine." A few kind and caring words from a complete stranger brightened their day. After a nightmarish day in the field, mail call was a time of joy. A letter from home reminded them in many places of the world life was still full of hope for the future. War zones are not filled with kindness, but those letters certainly were.


Monday I received a message from a past client. Her husband passed away over the weekend quite unexpectedly. Her message included a thank you to me for "All the ways you helped us in the past." In her time of grief she thanked me for my kindness. It was a powerful reminder our daily actions have lasting consequences and make a deep impression on the people who pass through our lives. Kindness cushions the pain of loss.


The economy and the housing market are creating enormous loss and a large number of people on falling on hard times they never imagined possible. The problems and financial woes are overwhelming for many, others have no idea how they can help. Each of us contains a Jewel of the Universe; a kind heart does not cost money. A few moments of time and heartfelt words are priceless gifts and should be shared with great abandon. Not only will it lift the spirit of the receiver, it will enrich the giver as well.

How to Know You are With the Wrong Person

First, I believe it is more about what doesn't happen in a relationship than what does happen. I hope there will always be a dash of mystery and magic in love relationships for without those ingredients it can become an intolerable burden to bear.

Unfortunately, I've had the pleasure of observing many mismatched couples, and the dicey circumstances of being one-half of such a couple on one long occasion and a couple briefer ones. It wasn't those guys were so bad, they were simply wrong for me. Well, actually they did have some hopeless pathos such as passive aggressiveness, infidelity and pathological lying but hey let's not start nitpicking here!

It is all about discovering and acknowledging the uncomfortable fit before too much time is invested. I have to admit I stayed in one relationship for more than 20 years and I have zero happy memories of us as a couple. We were day and night, an optimist and pessimist, an extrovert and an introvert. One was social the other a loner. So why did I stay so long, get ready to laugh but remember I was young--I thought he would change. Yep, sure did. But he sure did not!

So trust me, this is the voice of experience speaking and here are the signs and feelings you should not ignore, and the questions you should answer early in the relationship:

1. Do you enjoy talking with him and he with you? It was on the honeymoon I realized my marriage was going to be a lonely undertaking, and it was a mistake from day one. Once he was no longer trying to win me he slipped back into the silent shell a few people warned me about. There was very little communication and he was only affectionate when he was in the mood for... well you get the picture.

2. Who is the first person you want to share good and bad news with? If it is not your special someone then perhaps you should reconsider your choice of a life partner.

3. Are you generally happy to see your special someone walk in the door, or do you secretly enjoy the time without him/her? I noticed my mood would darken as the dinner hour approached. I used to blame it on low blood sugar but I think my endorphins went into hibernation as the homecoming hour approached. Those feel good feelings were gone.

4. Is he/she willing to change his/her life because of yours? This is a biggie---it takes a contortionist to always wrap their life around someone else's, and with time, that gets pretty uncomfortable. Make sure there is just as much give as take on both sides of the relationship fence.

5. Do you make each other laugh? This may seem insignificant but it is a wonderful test of the relationship. The best marriages and long term relationships I've observed are formed between partners who do a lot of laughing together. They "get one another" instead of wondering "who the hell is that stranger beside me in my bed."

Finding Your Perfect Nature

"The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly -- that is what each of us is here for."
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright, poet, author and novelist, 1854-1900

Discovering one's nature can take a lifetime. It's that age old question of, What do I want to be when I grow up? Sometimes, and especially in tough economic times, we get so caught up in making a living we forget to live the life we were intended to discover, and miss the destiny we were designed to fulfill.

The world has a way of intruding and slapping its demands, expectations and responsibilites at the top of our daily life list. The "shoulds" of life often overshadow the pursuit of self-development and discovery of our perfect nature. After a day spent making a living, there can be precious little engery and time left for a trip down self-realization's road.

It is possible to have meaningful revelations of self-realization at the most unexpected times. Be aware of moments when you feel surpremely happy, when you laugh from your soul, or one of my favorites is when I know in my heart this is where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.

Recognize and record the peak experiences of joy and fulfillment in your life. Then add more of those moments to your daily exsistence and you will increase the speed at which you discover your perfect nature.

It will not happen overnight. It takes time.

That is why we are given a lifetime.