First, I believe it is more about what doesn't happen in a relationship than what does happen. I hope there will always be a dash of mystery and magic in love relationships for without those ingredients it can become an intolerable burden to bear.
Unfortunately, I've had the pleasure of observing many mismatched couples, and the dicey circumstances of being one-half of such a couple on one long occasion and a couple briefer ones. It wasn't those guys were so bad, they were simply wrong for me. Well, actually they did have some hopeless pathos such as passive aggressiveness, infidelity and pathological lying but hey let's not start nitpicking here!
It is all about discovering and acknowledging the uncomfortable fit before too much time is invested. I have to admit I stayed in one relationship for more than 20 years and I have zero happy memories of us as a couple. We were day and night, an optimist and pessimist, an extrovert and an introvert. One was social the other a loner. So why did I stay so long, get ready to laugh but remember I was young--I thought he would change. Yep, sure did. But he sure did not!
So trust me, this is the voice of experience speaking and here are the signs and feelings you should not ignore, and the questions you should answer early in the relationship:
1. Do you enjoy talking with him and he with you? It was on the honeymoon I realized my marriage was going to be a lonely undertaking, and it was a mistake from day one. Once he was no longer trying to win me he slipped back into the silent shell a few people warned me about. There was very little communication and he was only affectionate when he was in the mood for... well you get the picture.
2. Who is the first person you want to share good and bad news with? If it is not your special someone then perhaps you should reconsider your choice of a life partner.
3. Are you generally happy to see your special someone walk in the door, or do you secretly enjoy the time without him/her? I noticed my mood would darken as the dinner hour approached. I used to blame it on low blood sugar but I think my endorphins went into hibernation as the homecoming hour approached. Those feel good feelings were gone.
4. Is he/she willing to change his/her life because of yours? This is a biggie---it takes a contortionist to always wrap their life around someone else's, and with time, that gets pretty uncomfortable. Make sure there is just as much give as take on both sides of the relationship fence.
5. Do you make each other laugh? This may seem insignificant but it is a wonderful test of the relationship. The best marriages and long term relationships I've observed are formed between partners who do a lot of laughing together. They "get one another" instead of wondering "who the hell is that stranger beside me in my bed."
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Finding Your Perfect Nature
"The aim of life is self-development. To realize one's nature perfectly -- that is what each of us is here for."
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright, poet, author and novelist, 1854-1900
Discovering one's nature can take a lifetime. It's that age old question of, What do I want to be when I grow up? Sometimes, and especially in tough economic times, we get so caught up in making a living we forget to live the life we were intended to discover, and miss the destiny we were designed to fulfill.
The world has a way of intruding and slapping its demands, expectations and responsibilites at the top of our daily life list. The "shoulds" of life often overshadow the pursuit of self-development and discovery of our perfect nature. After a day spent making a living, there can be precious little engery and time left for a trip down self-realization's road.
It is possible to have meaningful revelations of self-realization at the most unexpected times. Be aware of moments when you feel surpremely happy, when you laugh from your soul, or one of my favorites is when I know in my heart this is where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.
Recognize and record the peak experiences of joy and fulfillment in your life. Then add more of those moments to your daily exsistence and you will increase the speed at which you discover your perfect nature.
It will not happen overnight. It takes time.
That is why we are given a lifetime.
Oscar Wilde, Irish playwright, poet, author and novelist, 1854-1900
Discovering one's nature can take a lifetime. It's that age old question of, What do I want to be when I grow up? Sometimes, and especially in tough economic times, we get so caught up in making a living we forget to live the life we were intended to discover, and miss the destiny we were designed to fulfill.
The world has a way of intruding and slapping its demands, expectations and responsibilites at the top of our daily life list. The "shoulds" of life often overshadow the pursuit of self-development and discovery of our perfect nature. After a day spent making a living, there can be precious little engery and time left for a trip down self-realization's road.
It is possible to have meaningful revelations of self-realization at the most unexpected times. Be aware of moments when you feel surpremely happy, when you laugh from your soul, or one of my favorites is when I know in my heart this is where I am supposed to be at this moment in time.
Recognize and record the peak experiences of joy and fulfillment in your life. Then add more of those moments to your daily exsistence and you will increase the speed at which you discover your perfect nature.
It will not happen overnight. It takes time.
That is why we are given a lifetime.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
In the Middle of a Massive Money Makeover
Americans have a love affair with money. They covet it, they're rarely satisfied with the amount they have and more than a few are willing to commit crimes to obtain it. Big crimes; Bernie Madoff, are you listening?
A former flame once told me the best dream he ever had was when he dreamt he was surrounded by money, stacks of it, suitcases full of it. He said he woke with the most delicious feeling--a better-than-sex feeling. His speech quickened and he grew more animated as he related the joy the bundle of bills transferred to him. It was a highpoint in his life, but it was not real. I moved on.
I made a conscious effort to raise my children with compassion for others. It gave me deep satisfaction to see my small son never pass the Salvation Army bell ringers without dropping some change from his dollar allowance in the kettle. The cultivation of caring begins early.
Perhaps the global financial fiasco will cause countries and citizens to re-think policies and priorities. Will Wall Street executives forgo billions in bonuses to build homes and businesses in third world countries? Think of the goodwill such an act would create. Or will they continue rewarding one another with selfish, self-serving paychecks containing an astonishing number of zeros? It is my hope they will aspire to more than a collection of homes and bank accounts. When given the big opportunity to make a difference that is a very small way to live a life.
Forget thinking outside the box; you must think outside yourself.
A former flame once told me the best dream he ever had was when he dreamt he was surrounded by money, stacks of it, suitcases full of it. He said he woke with the most delicious feeling--a better-than-sex feeling. His speech quickened and he grew more animated as he related the joy the bundle of bills transferred to him. It was a highpoint in his life, but it was not real. I moved on.
I made a conscious effort to raise my children with compassion for others. It gave me deep satisfaction to see my small son never pass the Salvation Army bell ringers without dropping some change from his dollar allowance in the kettle. The cultivation of caring begins early.
Perhaps the global financial fiasco will cause countries and citizens to re-think policies and priorities. Will Wall Street executives forgo billions in bonuses to build homes and businesses in third world countries? Think of the goodwill such an act would create. Or will they continue rewarding one another with selfish, self-serving paychecks containing an astonishing number of zeros? It is my hope they will aspire to more than a collection of homes and bank accounts. When given the big opportunity to make a difference that is a very small way to live a life.
Forget thinking outside the box; you must think outside yourself.
Friday, March 13, 2009
Why Do Men Hit Women?
I often wonder why a strong six footer thinks it is okay to punch, slap and beat a five foot something woman. If he's looking for a good fight he can find it on a street corner or at the local dive. He might be the one to walk away from such an encounter, if he's lucky, in need of a few stitches and dental repair.
On the other hand if he is doing it to terrorize, control and impose his will on "his" woman he's a man in need of, at the very minimum, anger management therapy, or perhaps some time behind bars. Cages work great to restrain beasts and make sure they do not hurt themselves or others.
Girls and women of the world, hear my words, let him do his recovery time alone. If behavior is to change there must be consequences for the act.
Hey macho men, listen up. A woman is not a punching bag. She is not the vent for all your steam and uncontrolled rage. She is not to blame for your failures. She is not a lesser human being. You do not have the right to pummel her, then when the booze wears off or the anger subsides tell her you are sorry, you love her and it will never happen again. Yeah right. Check the statistics.
Perhaps it is some feral streak, an untamed gene or testosterone gone wild that arouses a male to draw blood and cause pain to someone he cares for. Perhaps society has turned its head the other way for far too long. No matter what the cause the result is untenable.
If you have lived long enough you know you cannot change another person. You can change what you will endure from another person. Girls, do be afraid to walk away and lose your man. If he's hurting you it is not love and he deserves to wear a much different moniker than man. Animal is the name that comes to mind.
On the other hand if he is doing it to terrorize, control and impose his will on "his" woman he's a man in need of, at the very minimum, anger management therapy, or perhaps some time behind bars. Cages work great to restrain beasts and make sure they do not hurt themselves or others.
Girls and women of the world, hear my words, let him do his recovery time alone. If behavior is to change there must be consequences for the act.
Hey macho men, listen up. A woman is not a punching bag. She is not the vent for all your steam and uncontrolled rage. She is not to blame for your failures. She is not a lesser human being. You do not have the right to pummel her, then when the booze wears off or the anger subsides tell her you are sorry, you love her and it will never happen again. Yeah right. Check the statistics.
Perhaps it is some feral streak, an untamed gene or testosterone gone wild that arouses a male to draw blood and cause pain to someone he cares for. Perhaps society has turned its head the other way for far too long. No matter what the cause the result is untenable.
If you have lived long enough you know you cannot change another person. You can change what you will endure from another person. Girls, do be afraid to walk away and lose your man. If he's hurting you it is not love and he deserves to wear a much different moniker than man. Animal is the name that comes to mind.
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